The White Shoe Irregular:
It was fun while it lasted.

Proposed Transcript of an Episode of MTV Cribs, to Be Filmed at My House

Ryan Hamilton

[Exterior shots of Highland Pointe apartment complex. Soundtrack: Jennifer Lopez, "Jenny From the Block"]

RYAN: Hello MTV Cribs. Welcome to my home. First let me show you the living room. This is where we relax and watch TV, you know, hang out, read a magazine or a book or whatever. This is the TV. I think it's a 21-incher. It's color. I watch a lot of TV. I've got a Playstation 2, but I mostly just use it to play DVDs. I'm not that into video games. Over here you can see my halogen lamp. We use the halogen lamp in here because the overhead lighting is kind of dim, and sometimes you just want it bright. You know, when you are reading or something.

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[Soundtrack: B2K featuring P. Diddy, "Bump Bump Bump"]

RYAN: Let me show you where we eat. This is the dining area. It just kind of flows into the living room. It's a little cramped in here now because we bought a regular-size kitchen table and this space isn't really big enough to handle it. So we have to squeeze by it whenever we go in or out of the kitchen. But that's ok. You can see some bills on the table. That's to remind us that we need to pay them. We pass by this table, like two dozen times a day, so it's a pretty good system. And now, the kitchen.

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[Soundtrack: Eminem, "Lose Yourself"]

RYAN: This is the kitchen. Plenty of room to hold all our kitchen utensils. Also lots of counter space. You can see we've got a refrigerator, a dishwasher, a toaster, a crock pot, and a George Foreman Grill. We use all of them from time to time. We've also got an In-sink-erator garbage disposal. That's really nice. Let's have a look in the fridge. You can see we got milk, juice, leftovers. I don't know why we've got all this salad dressing. We really don't eat this much salad.

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[Soundtrack: Jay-Z/Beyonce Knowles, "03 Bonnie & Clyde"]

RYAN: And now, the bedroom. This is where the magic happens. [RYAN throws himself on the bed.] I've got a down comforter because it gets pretty cold in the winter. You can see along the wall here where I've had to staple a phone cord to the wall and ceiling. That's because this room has a phone jack, but the other bedroom, the one where we put the computer, doesn't. Can you believe that? They've got a cable jack in that room, but no phone jack. Weird. So, anyway, they'll probably dock me on my security deposit for taking a staple gun to the walls and ceiling, but what else could I do?

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[Soundtrack: Christina Aguilera, "Beautiful"]

RYAN: Before you go, let me show you the carport.