Features of Macintosh OSX

Corey Bell

• Stable, UNIX core

• Protected memory

• Redesigned graphical interface featuring three new shades of green and loopy Albanian virtual helper, Zhulko

• Ability to accept voice commands, especially after being called pretty

• Double-clicking replaced by double-double clicking

• Enables user to have all five applications designed for OSX open at once

• Chewy chocolate center

• Dock with instant access to most-used applications, documents, and websites

• Can be operated in the nude

• Imbedded email program vaguely reminiscent of Quake II: Arena

• Long-division capability with remainders displayed in fractions or decimals

• Virtual wink tool designed to mitigate inevitable loneliness of Macintosh users

• Power to see .00001 seconds into future and transmit this vision .00001 seconds later

• "Hot towel" added to Apple menu for those who wish to balance home finances while eating pulled pork

• If bitten, will not bite back