Instructions for Unsubscribing from This Email List

Josh Stott

THIS EMAIL IS NOT SPAM!
If you are receiving this email in error or would like to have yourself removed from this email list and not receive any further messages from us, please follow the directions below:

• If you are using Microsoft Outlook Express, please skip to Subheading A.
• If you are using Netscape Communicator, please skip to Subheading B.
• If you are using Eudora or any other email program, please skip to Subheading C.

SUBHEADING A
Thank you for choosing Microsoft Outlook Express. Your request is important to us, and we would like to help you resolve your concern as quickly as possible. In order to help facilitate your request, please follow the directions below: • If you are using Microsoft Outlook (not Express), please skip to Subheading 1. • If you are using Microsoft Outlook Express v.4x or higher, but have not yet downloaded the latest security update, please skip to Subheading 2. Otherwise, skip to Subheading 3.

SUBHEADING 1 Thank you for choosing Microsoft Outlook. Your request is important to us, and we would like to help you resolve your concern as quickly as possible. You have chosen to remove yourself from this email list and/or requested to receive no further email from us. Unfortunately, this request is not currently available for our Microsoft Outlook users. Please visit our website and download the latest version of Outlook Express in order to make all current options available. Thank you again for choosing Microsoft.
SUBHEADING 2
Thank you for choosing Microsoft Outlook Express v.4x. Your request is important to us, and we would like to help you resolve your concern as quickly as possible. You have chosen to remove yourself from this email list and/or requested to receive no further email from us. Unfortunately, because you have not yet downloaded our latest security updates, this request is not currently available for you. Please visit our website and download the latest version of Outlook Express, as well as our latest security patches, in order to make all current options available. Thank you again for choosing Microsoft.

SUBHEADING 3
Thank you for choosing Microsoft Outlook Express v.4x. Your request is important to us, and we would like to help you resolve your concern as quickly as possible. You have chosen to remove yourself from this email list and/or requested to receive no further email from us. Unfortunately, this request is not currently available for our Microsoft Outlook Express v.4x users who do not have the latest security patches. We realize that you have specified that you have the most current security patch, but that simply isn't the case. Please visit our website and view the available security patches. You will notice that at least three have been added to the list since the last time you visited the site. Please download all available patches and re-download the latest version of Outlook Express in order to make all current options available. Thank you again for choosing Microsoft.

SUBHEADING B
Thank you for choosing Netscape Communicator. As you may already know, Netscape was recently acquired by AOL, which has recently merged with Time-Warner. We have also recently bought you, your family, and all of your earthly possessions. This being the case, your request is important to us, and we would like to help you resolve your concern as quickly as possible. In order to help facilitate your request, please follow the directions below:

• If you are not using the latest version of Netscape Communicator, you are an idiot.
• If you are not currently an AOL member, you will be soon, so you might as well join now. We also may confiscate any property now in our current possession if you do not comply immediately.
• If you still want to unsubscribe, don't worry, we'll be controlling all of your email soon enough.

SUBHEADING C
Thank you for not using Microsoft or AOL-Time-Warner products. Unfortunately, we cannot help you, as we are in the middle of a hostile takeover. If you are an opensource or free-product user, you probably know how to unsubscribe yourself already anyway.

APPENDIX
If, following the directions above, you were still unsuccessful, reply to this email with "Help" as the subject line and your browser, email client, home address, social security number (US only), major credit card number and expiration date, full name, mother's maiden name, and spouse's name in the body of the message, and we will send you more specific instructions.