Alan Roberts Jokes
Alan Roberts
Q: What do you call a guy who kisses his wife goodbye in the morning, only to return later that same day to tell her he's been laid off by Barnes & Noble just before the holidays due to a total screw up in the structuring of his department?
A: Alan Roberts
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Q: What do you call a guy who honestly believed that ebooks were his ticket to the big time?
A: Alan Roberts
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Q: What do you call a guy who's beginning to envy Robert Downey, Jr.'s lifestyle?
A: Alan Roberts
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Q: What's the difference between Alan Alda, Alan Parker, and Alan Roberts?
A: One has a SAG card, one has a DGA card, and one has a Metrocard — a Metrocard he doesn't even need any more because he was laid off by a stupid dotcom start-up!
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Q: Why hasn't Steve Martin called Alan Roberts? After all, Alan Roberts thoughtfully put together a bunch of humorous pieces and handed them to him after Martin's torturous Barnes & Noble reading of Shop Girl.
A: Because Steve Martin is a booger eater.
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Alan Roberts walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, this bar's for employed writers, actor/models, and Internet entrepreneurs only!"
Alan Roberts points to Dave Eggers, Elizabeth Hurley, and Dave Eggers and says, "Oh, yeah? Well what about that guy over there with the parrot on his shoulder?"
The bartender says, "That's the Captain Morgan's guy, you git!"
"Oh," says Alan Roberts as he quietly backs out the door.
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Alan Roberts is walking on the beach when he happens upon a lantern. He opens it and a genie pops out, has a massive stroke, then dies on the spot. Alan makes the lantern into a bong, smoking dope supplied by his friend Bob for several weeks.
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The day after he dries out, Alan Roberts is walking on the same beach when he happens upon another lantern. He gently opens it and a genie pops out.
"Thank you, kind sir! For freeing me I shall grant you not one, not two, but twenty-five wishes!" The genie says.
"Wow, that's great! I'll take…" Alan begins.
"Wait! I must first get the magic formula. Have you seen my brother?"
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Q: How many guys named Alan Roberts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Guys like Alan Roberts don't screw lightbulbs. They screw themselves.