Thirty Odd Fortunes

Alan Roberts

1. Everyone want to be millionaire. No one want to be Regis.

2. Shyness not cured by going to singles bar. Must first lose ski mask.

3. Life like circus. Too many clowns.

4. Beauty in eye of beholder. Beholder in eye of needle. Needle in eye of storm. Eye of newt not my territory.

5. Confucius' wife say, "Enough advice already! Get hobby!"

6. Behold the salmon. Despite strong current, swim upstream into bear's mouth.

7. Upright towel warmer in bathroom is nice touch.

8. Open-toed shoes do not make one "Gay."

9. Creature from Black Lagoon get woman in final scene. What your problem?

10. Tall, attractive men never start wars. Look it up.

11. "Swankiness" not necessarily a good quality.

12. Satan is pleased with what you've done.

13. Porcupine has poisonous quills. You have your breath.

14. Brooklyn not "vacation wonderland" like in brochure.

15. You will have at least one more birthday.

16. Women find you somewhat amusing. Not bed-worthy.

17.Men compliment your hairstyle, clothes, and personality. Everything but looks.

18. Not enough people call you "Pookie."

19. Sixteen days from now, look out!

20. Smoking make you look cool. (Cookie paid for by Philip Morris.)

21. Is that a fortune cookie in your pocket or you just playing with fate?

22. Hire someone to start your car from this day forward.

23. Yesterday a memory, today fleeting, tomorrow distant. Suicide a sure thing.

24. What color your hair supposed to be?

25. Doctor on vacation. Quick, refill phony Valium prescription.

26. A dragonfly neither dragon nor fly. Poor tattoo choice.

27. The cloven hooves of Mephistopheles cannot begin to compare to your cuticles.

28. Your toupee fools no one.

29. Adult braces might be good idea.

30. Why not tell spouse real waist size?