Gallagher vs. Gallagher
Alan Roberts
It may come as a surprise to you that Gallagher, the prop-dependent comedian, has a brother who travels around the country performing as him. This is absolutely true. There is one caveat, however. The brother can do everything in the act but, and this is a BIG but, smash the watermelon — the highpoint of any Gallagher show. But the brother, let's call him Gal II, has been grumbling about wanting to perform that signature piece. The stage is set for an epic showbiz family battle not seen since Tori threatened to drop the "Spelling" and change her first name to Irot ("Tori" backwards). Her father, Aaron, pointed out the new pronunciation in a firm letter from his lawyer and the two amicably settled their differences. But as this journalist has found, the email correspondences between the two Gallaghers has not been so loving.
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From: Gallagher
To: Gal II
Date: May 2, 2000
Hey Bro,
Caught your act last night at the Garden State Art Center. Nice job! I especially liked your addition of the "Al Gore two-by-four," a piece of wood that fits in the back of his suit jacket to keep him extra stiff. The audience ate it up! And your hilarious send-up of the "Teletubbies" was quite inventive. Who would've thought to use roadwork signs to distinguish between the various characters? "Slippery When Wet" may have pushed the envelope, but it was Jersey. They were with you. You are quickly learning the craft, my brother. The gate was flush, too. Pretty soon we'll be able to afford those inflatable Darva Conger dolls for our acts!
Having said that, please note that I saw you attempt to crush the watermelon. Even though you didn't follow through with it, I sensed anger in your voice as you taunted the audience by saying, "You want me to do it?! You want it, right?! Crush the watermelon, is that what you want?! Well, I'd love to, but I can't tonight! No, no, no, not tonight! You've been a very bad audience! You don't deserve it! Cause if ya did, I'd do it!"
That left a sour taste in many people's mouths as they exited. T-shirt sales were way down. I feel this was a direct result of your ranting. I've told you a thousand times — you can crush a grapefruit; you can crush a tomato; you can even crush a honeydew for all I care. Just don't go near the watermelon. Please! Is that so much to ask?!
— Gallagher
· · ·
From: Gal II
To: Gallagher
Date: May 4, 2000
Brother,
Glad you "liked" the show. As you can see, I'm getting better and better at aping you. No one can tell the difference. Ask your wife.
Let's cut to the chase, shall we? I'm crushing the watermelon, oh yes I am. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of my life. I really don't care what you think at this point. Do you realize how much money I've made pretending to be you?
The watermelon, she will be crushed! Mark my words, brother! Doing this shtick for fifteen years has taken its toll. If I can't crush the watermelon, then it's gonna be the skull of some unlucky "volunteer" I pull from the audience. Is that how you want the Gallagher name remembered? No one knows my name and soon, my brother, it will all be over. The airline will lose your luggage and you'll have no act! Try to decipher that!
— Gallagher
P.S. Saw your Showtime special last night. C'mon, a toilet plunger that doubles as a high colonic device?! You're sinking into Carrot Top territory.
· · ·
From: Gallagher
To: Gal II
Date: May 5, 2000
Hey Bro!
Good news! The Pay-Per-View people want "me" to do another special next Friday! Unfortunately, "I'm" booked into Caesar's, so could you be a pal and do it? (Remember the thing about the watermelon.)
— Gallagher
· · ·
From: Gal II
To: Gallagher
Date: May 6, 2000
Brother,
Do you even read your email or do you have an assistant do it for you?! If the latter is the case, well listen up, assistant! When you're Gallagher's assistant, you're my assistant! And I demand that you tell him exactly what I say! The watermelon will be crushed! Perhaps live on national television! Perhaps next Friday when I'm filling in for me! I mean him! I may even use the seeded kind so those slippery oval pods go flying everywhere, possibly invoking an eye-popping lawsuit of some sort.
— Gallagher
P.S. The watermelon, she's a getting ripe.
· · ·
From: Gallagher
To: Gal II
Date: May 8, 2000
Bro!
Didn't even know we had a website! I'm so behind in all that "computer" stuff! I did come up with a website of my own for our act, though. It's a telescope covered in white cobweb spray. Get it? "Web sight!" Last night in Cincinnati they loved that! (Though you know as well as I that those people will laugh at a rubber chicken hanging by a noose!) I'll send you one, but they're pretty easy to make. Try it!
Thanks for updating that thing, by the way. The money is rolling in so fast right now I can't even count it using the digital abacus from my act. That's another classic you should try! For some reason my assistant quit, so I'm kind of juggling the financing and scheduling on my own.
Ciao baby!
— Gallagher
P.S. The watermelon thing? Please?
· · ·
From: Gal II
To: Gallagher
Date: May 10, 2000
Brother,
I've spent the last couple of days contemplating the fate of our friend the watermelon. Staring at it from every angle. Studying it. Fondling it. Caressing its smooth back. It beckons me, like a toolbelt beckons a set of golf clubs (nice addition to the act, by the way). In two days she will be mine. The Pay-Per-View audience will be treated to an audacious splattering of melon guts, a fireworks display unequaled since Letterman stole this idea and threw twenty of them off the roof of his studio. (Not once did he invite us on to explain the complexity of such a stunt! He will pay, my brother.)
I remember the night we thought of sharing the limelight. I seem to recall it was your idea. I was quite content as an accountant, dating the cute secretary from down the hall. You've turned me into a sideshow freak, brother, and that secretary got married. Well, it's my turn to have the last laugh. In two days the world will witness two Gallaghers splattering two separate watermelons. Things will never be the same.
Gotta run. The Bob Carr Auditorium awaits.
— Gallagher
· · ·
From: Gallagher
To: Gal II
Date: May 11, 2000
Bro!
Been spending today going through my emails. I feel like such a schmuck! One wrong button and I erased everything you sent over the last two weeks! Sorry!
— Gallagher
P.S. Knock 'em dead tomorrow night! Pay-Per-View means Cash-In-Hand! The watermelon…remember?
· · ·
From: Gal II
To: Gallagher
Date: May 12, 2000
Brother,
You've toyed with me for too long. The chauffeur's cap is gone. The mustache is gone. The friggin' fright wig is gone! I am a skinny bald freak of a man! Tonight, when the curtain goes up on "Gallagher: Live at the Acropolis," the curtain will also come down on a legend. I hate to end it this way, brother, but I can't continue this charade any longer. I'll never get a woman this way. The secretary down the hall was perfect for me. But that was then.
The watermelon is gone. I ate it last night. Feel free to tune in and find out what I smash instead, on live television. Hint: it won't be fruit.
— A Once Proud Gallagher
P.S. Any volunteers?
· · ·
From: Gallagher
To: Gal II
Date: May 2, 2000
Bro!
Bad move last night! What were you thinking?! Good thing the audience took it as part of the act or we may have a lawsuit on our hands! Geez, if I knew it meant so much to you, I would've let you smash the watermelon! Stay away from teenagers' heads from now on, will ya! Better still, send me the mallet.
Peace out!
— Gallagher