The Book of Pop Culture Lamentations, King James Version
Ryan Hamilton
CHAPTER ONE
1. And it came to pass that in the days of the rule of the mega-conglomerate entertainment industry, the leaders did begin to cease to create new ideas. Lo, there was a great famine of creativity throughout the whole film industry. And the people did mourn exceedingly.
2. For in the midst of this dearth the people were forced to endure much that was grievous in the sight of Good Taste. Behold, there was much that was quickened in that day that would have best been left as dead, inasmuch as it was not very entertaining in its first life. Yea, and it was because decisions were made by committees in suits and by focus groups and by market research that this great evil did come to pass.
3. In the beginning there was Television. And it was good. But from Television there came forth remakes and send-ups and revivals. Yea, Charlie's Angels the show begat Charlie's Angels the movie, and behold, the Angels were not as pleasing to the eye, yea even did they not hold a candle to the Angels of old. And Brady Bunch the show became heavy with nostalgia and in time bore two demonic offspring, and the one was unfunnier than the other. And notwithstanding that Marsha was lovely to behold (both Marsha the elder and Marsha the younger), the films stanketh.
4. Behold Television did have many offspring in those days. And the names of the children were known by the names of their parents. For Maverick begat Maverick, and Leave It To Beaver begat Leave It To Beaver, and Shaft begat Shaft, and Lost in Space begat Lost in Space, and Mission: Impossible begat Mission: Impossible which begat Mission: Impossible-2 (it being called M: i-2 after the manner of those hip marketers), and The Fugitive begat The Fugitive which begat U.S. Marshalls which begat a Television revival of The Fugitive reportedly starring that irresponsible guy from Wings (he having already starred in a remake of The Shining), and The Avengers begat The Avengers which movie was so bad that many did pluck out the eyes from their heads and rend their ticket stubs and sit in sackcloth and ashes. But there were many that did proclaim that Uma Thurman wearing a black leather body suit in any film did justify the making thereof.
5. But this was not the end of such proceedings. For behold, in those days, comic books begat Television programs and cartoons, which then begat movies. For thus was the way of Superman, yea, and of Batman also, yea, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, yea, and even X-Men, and behold, many of these films did also beget films until there were numberless concourses of mediocre comic book films, even as the sands of the sea.
6. And also did the entertainment industry steal and plunder from the stage. For behold, first there was The Odd Couple the play, but then it did become a film, upon which it was consumed by Television, which then spat it forth as a film sequel, whose aged stars did continue to remake the same movie from that time forth. And also was The King and I first a play. But the play begat a movie, which then begat an animated movie, and there was much singing in each. But then there was born another movie which movie was the same movie saving that there was no singing, and it was no longer called The King and I, but was from that time forth called by a different name, even Anna and the King.
7. And there sprung up also a race of twins in that day. For Armageddon and Deep Impact did spring from the same seed, as also did Volcano and Dante's Peak, as also A Bug's Life and Antz. And the public did lift their eyes to the heavens and roll them.
8. And there was weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, and flops and rumors of flops, but behold, the movie industry did continue in its sin. And the people did quake and tremble in fear, for behold, they knew that the time would soon come, and was even then not far off, when a movie of Bewitched would cry out on every marquee, and when the whisperings of a Mr. Ed movie in the pipeline would sound in every ear, and when Gilligan's Island the movie, starring Carrot Top, would sweep into theaters throughout the land. And wo unto the people in that day, for behold, it would be better for them that they had had all 16 reels of Ben Hur tied around their necks and cast into the sea.