A Message from a Disgruntled Reader, Addressing Current Television Programming

Matt Graham

From: Matt Graham
Subject: Lofty and Low…
Date: Monday, August 28, 2000 12:57 PM

Dear Redactor,

For your Lofty and Low selection coming up, I would like to vote for Survivor to be on the Low list. I'm sick of Survivor. I turn on the radio and I get this:

"36 children die in a terrible airplane crash and family members await the release of the list of victims, but first a look at the homosexual controversial winner of CBS's Survivor.

(Crappy chant music and rain sticks fade in.)

Announcer: Rich Flanders (or whatever his name is) is here with us via satellite…Rich, how did you do it?

Rich: Well, as you know, I'm gay, so pretty much I won that way…yeah, I played their game, ate some rats…and well, I'm gay, so I won. Now I have a million dollars.

Announcer: How do you respond to the accusations that you cheated and played unfairly?

Rich: Well, what do you expect? There was a million dollars on the line. Plus, it was a freaking game. All these crazy redneck Americans thought it was real…they thought we were actually stranded and that sometimes players died. Well, they didn't. No one died…so really, everyone survived. Winning this game is no different than winning a game of Monopoly or Sorry. It's just a game.

Announcer: So, are you saying that you didn't win by skill and cunning?

Rich: No, I won because the network wanted me to. We're just actors. They wanted to appear politically correct, so of course the gay guy won. In fact, I'm not really gay. In case you're interested, I'll be discussing my sexuality on Oprah, Larry King Live, and Jerry Springer this month.

Announcer: What do you think you'll do next?

Rich: I'm making loads on these interviews and have just sold the book rights. Pretty much I'm rich because you chump Americans love watching worthless television that is second only to Teletubbies in the dumbing down of America."

Anyway, that's my two cents about Surfreakingvivor.

Matt