A Transcription of the Message Heard on the Brown & Williamson Customer Service Hotline

Quinn Warnick

[Redactor's Note: The Brown & Williamson Tobacco Corporation customer service hotline can be reached at 1.800.578.7453. B&W's website makes frequent reference to the company's slogan: "A Responsible Company In A Controversial Industry." What follows is a direct transcription of the prerecorded message at the number listed above.]

Soothing Female Voice: Hello, and welcome to the Brown & Williamson Tobacco Corporation. If you've reached this number in error, you're in luck, because we're about to serenade you. If you've dialed correctly, you're in luck, because we're about to serenade you.

[Sound of pitch pipe]

Male Barbershop Quartet Singers:
Oh, the tobacco plant is a lovely plant,
Its leaves so broad and green,
But you shouldn't think about the tobacco plant
If you're still a teen.
The tobacco is a big person's plant,
And that's the way it should be,
So if you're under twenty-one,
Go and climb a tree.

Oh, the tobacco plant is a lovely plant,
And that, my friends, is no yarn!
We let it ripen in the field
And hang it in the barn.

Soothing Female Voice: If you think that really sucked, we agree. Write a better song about the tobacco plant, and we'll use it. Now press "1" to find select stores in your area. Or press "2" for any other Brown & Williamson company information.